What Happens in Vegas
Although President Obama has prohibited using on terrorist detainees
such "enhanced interrogation techniques" as induced hypothermia and
waterboarding, the CIA still has at its disposal some effectively brutal tools. I suggest
repeated viewings of 2007’s Worst Movie, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry,
or my pick for Worst Movie of 2008, director Tom Vaughan’s What Happens in Vegas.
I was able to endure one viewing; I’m not sure I’d survive a second.It’s been a while since I saw What Happens in Vegas, and
I don’t remember much about it. Like an amnesiac whose brain has blocked out painful
memories, my brain seems to be protecting me from remembering some of the worst comedic
dreck in a long time.
What I do remember is that the story relies entirely on the
flimsy and unbelievable premise of a family court judge in New York City having almost
unlimited legal powers. While under the influence of large quantities of alcohol, two
young people, Jack (Ashton Kutcher) and Joy (Cameron Diaz), meet for the first time in Las
Vegas and get married that same day. During their brief time together, Jack uses one of
Joy’s quarters to play a slot machine and wins $3 million. The couple wants an
annulment and to split the money, but Judge Whopper (Dennis Miller) places the cash in
escrow and tells them they must live as husband and wife for six months; if they
don’t, he’ll tie up their winnings in litigation for so long that they’ll
never see it again. The couple is also required to see a marriage counselor, Dr. Twitchell
(Queen Latifah), who will report back to the judge on their efforts to make the marriage
work. If, after six months and a legitimate effort, Jack and Joy still want to divorce,
Whopper will grant it. And I thought US customs officials had great powers.
Diaz spends much of her time contorting her pretty face:
she frowns, pouts, screams, and babbles her way through this role. Kutcher slips back and
forth between his normal voice and an annoying Kermit-the-frog nasality. What Happens
in Vegas is bad slapstick without a single laugh. Surprisingly, it’s managed to
stay at my local theater for quite some time.
