Somebody somewhere must think that Michael Bay is a good director. I would guess that "somebody" is producer Jerry Bruckheimer -- Hollywood’s king of big-budget summertime crap (Armageddon, Coyote Ugly, Gone in Sixty Seconds). Either that, or he knows that Bay is willing to do anything to make a buck including knocking off the look, feel, and story of many other movies in order to bring this miserable three-hour-plus wannabe epic to the screen.

Bay uses the bombing of Pearl Harbor exactly the way James Cameron used the sinking of the Titanic -- as a backdrop to an epic love story with dialogue so awful that you would think you’re watching a bad made-for-TV movie. The big difference is that Cameron’s Titanic actually worked and Bay’s Pearl Harbor not only bombs, it sinks faster than the Titanic ever could. It will have you fidgeting in your seat and thinking of heading for the door inside of thirty minutes.

The love story revolves around two best friends named Rafe (Ben Affleck) and Danny (Josh Hartnett). They’re both U.S. pilots (a couple of the best of course). The object of their affection is Evelyn (Kate Beckinsale), a nurse assigned to Pearl Harbor. Rafe first falls for Evelyn, but takes an assignment to fight in England. His plane is shot down while he’s on assignment and he’s presumed dead. Months go by, Evelyn and Danny mourn, and then one day the sun rises and they decide to fall in love because the world must go on without Rafe. But is Rafe really dead? You’d have to be on another planet to think that this movie won’t follow the most predictable of storylines.

I actually liked the Rose and Jack love story of Titanic, but I could have cared less here. Pearl Harbor is a dud. The only thing that redeems it is some truly outstanding special effects that are used to recreate the bombing. Their realism is amazing. For that reason alone its gains the *1/2 rating I gave it. But this isn’t supposed to be as much about the bombing as the story around it, and it’s not only awful (and predictable) but also laughable. There is a point at which Evelyn has a fit of inspiration and decides to identify the critically injured by writing on their foreheads with her lipstick! As if that’s not bad enough, Bay actually has his cameraman do a close-up on Evelyn’s face as she ever so seriously twists her lipstick into the "up" position. You’d swear by the look on her face that she’s diffusing an atomic bomb. There is some atrocious stuff in here that gains plenty of hoots and hollers from the audience. Skip this big-budget bomb and go support someone who makes a decent film without blowing scads of money -- the low-budget Memento is an outstanding choice instead of this.

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