Each time I prepare to attend an audio/video trade show, I can’t help but wonder just what cool home-theater products I will find. Will there be a plethora of processors, amps, speakers, HDTVs, and the like that I simply must have or will I see basically the same things I saw at the last show? Mind you there are always cool toys, but there are also works-in-progress with this issue or that to be sorted out. One product I get a lot of mail about is the home-theater processor. It seems like the hot subject no matter where you go. Just the other day I was sitting in a little Italian restaurant near my home eating ravioli, and there was a booth behind me with a bunch of guys talking about the latest Lexicon. Of course I just had to turn around and give them my two cents.

Speaking of processors, with so many issues to be sorted out and so many models to choose from, it’s hard to know where to begin the search. It’s also tough to decide what features you really need (not like we need food, "need" like "want really bad") versus the ones that provide some passing interest but will see little use. After giving this much thought, an idea hit me! I was thinking that I’d just design my own perfect processor, give up writing about home theater and audio, and become a manufacturer. Of course I can’t do it alone, so I’m using this forum to enlist the help of you guys. I need someone to design and make the thing, someone to market it, and a couple fellows to service it and answer the phone at the factory. (I like to take a lot of vacations, so I won’t be around much.) Of course I am going to do the most important part, which is why I’ll be the CEO and principle owner. I’m going to come up with all the stuff it’s going to have! So without further ado, lets begin.

First, I want the thing to measure my room and create a room equalization curve for each speaker in the system. It should make the frequency response perfectly flat at the listening position no matter what. No, make that flat at each and every listening position simultaneously. I want it to do this totally transparently so that I can't tell that it’s doing it, nor can anyone else. In fact, I want the sound to be as transparent as the best two-channel preamp on the market, whatever that is. No, make that better than the best preamp! It needs to have enough inputs and outputs, both digital and analog, to accommodate any potential configuration I might need. It should also have a built-in digital input ready and available for both multichannel SACD and DVD-A.

"I don’t care that this will increase its complexity! Just whose processor is this anyway? I’m the idea man. You people are the make-it-happen men!" Jeff screams.

I want fully balanced inputs and outputs, adjustable crossovers, and a cool aluminum chassis and faceplate. I also want a satellite interface so that upgrades are simply beamed to it from above. This way I can wake up in the morning and see just what new features it has. It should have approximately one upgrade per day (save the big ones for the weekend when I have the most time to play). Oh, and I want a voice-activated remote-control system. No more little hand-held device. I want to tell it what to do and it just does it. And it damn well better tell me when a parameter needs adjusting, so I can tell it to "do it."