Simone
March 2003 Reviewed by: Wes Marshall Format: DVD	(all ratings out of 5): Overall Enjoyment Picture Quality Packaged Extras Sound Quality

This is how I hope the conversation went between writer and director Andrew Niccol and some big shot at New Line Entertainment.

Big Shot: Look, Andy, we need some box office here. I’m sure your agent told you that you can’t live off respect from a few actors and critics. How much box office did your last film do?

Andrew Niccol: Gattaca made $12 million, but it got great reviews!

BS: And it cost $36 million. Then that one you wrote, The Truman Show, it didn’t turn a profit either. So you’re lucky we’re even giving you a chance here. But we like your script.

AN: Thanks.

BS: But look, we’ve got to make this a movie that all demographics will want to see. That means none of that weird shit like in Gattaca. We want a straightforward story. Director hates actresses and decides to create his own so he doesn’t have to screw with all their foibles. She becomes the most famous actress alive. It’s hilarious. Now that’s a level of irony even kids can get. And by the way, we have to bring this thing in at PG-13. We need the kiddos so we can get some numbers.

AN: I don’t think kids would understand it. I didn’t write it for them.

BS: That’s the problem. We’re gonna have to make some big changes. Let’s start with Al. You gotta understand that kids won’t get the part where Pacino has all that damn angst. You know, the looking in the mirror and seeing how empty his life is. They won’t get it and they won’t laugh, and they’ll tell their friends the movie sucks and then there won’t be any business. And you will have blown your last chance.

AN: But that’s the heart of the story!

BS: Well, we’ll have to do heart surgery. First, we need a kid in the story -- a smart one. Kids always like movies where the kids are smarter than their parents. It’s how they see life. So let's put in a kid. Then we need some music so we can sell some soundtracks. Maybe you could do a concert scene where Simone has a million kids in love with her singing.

AN: She’s not real!

BS: Use smoke and mirrors. Then we need some more kid-level irony and a twist ending! The public loves twist endings.

AN: You’re changing everything. I won’t do it!

BS: Andy, think of your future.

That scenario is the only solution I can come up with as to why a seemingly intelligent writer took no chances and offered a dumbed-down confection when so many possibilities were available. He had a good concept that could have provided hilarious scenes. He could have gone anywhere from slapstick to sophisticated. He had wonderful actors. Al Pacino was charmingly out of his element, in a comedy. Here’s an actor with a burned-in public persona, which is something a good director could have some fun with. Instead, we got the standard Pacino shtick, just turned down a notch.

I had always thought that the terrifically sexy Catherine Keener was incapable of being boring. Wrong. Her character is so poorly written that she can’t overcome it. Evan Rachel Wood as Pacino and Keener’s daughter is so sanctimonious I wanted to see someone pinch her. (SPOILER COMING!) And when she demonstrates her computer abilities to save Mommy's and Daddy’s behinds in the manufactured ending, well, I was simply astonished at the lack of respect for the audience’s intelligence. In fact, that’s when I imagined the scenario above.

Yet, one performance is so good, it almost makes watching the movie worthwhile. Winona Ryder, in an all-too-short appearance, brings the kind of power that you seldom see in a cameo. Think Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross.

Simone would have been a perfect made-for-TV film. In TV-land, a world filled with (mostly) dumb sitcoms and pseudo-reality shows, I could see Simone starring Kelsey Grammer and Julia Louis-Dreyfus. A nice piece of irony would have been using the Bachelorette or American Idol Kelly Clarkson to play Simone. That’s irony you can sink your teeth into.

As usual with New Line Home Entertainment, the package is stellar: lots of extras, a great picture, and pristine sound. The "making of" parts show who loves this film. All the CG gearheads wax rhapsodic about making Simone. The actors and director all look as if they are desperately seeking substance.

Simone, by the way, grossed about $10 million -- $2 million less than Gattaca.  

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